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Thursday, March 8, 2018

Greetings Laff Lovers,

My wife was glued to the Academy Awards last Sunday. I didn't argue with her. I went off to do something productive. It's not that I'm not interested in who won what, but I can read all about it the next day. I don't need to sit through the four hours of mind-numbing boredom for information I can get in ten minutes of reading.

But despite my conspicuous absence she was still under the delusion that I was interested.

"TZ!" she yelled at me. "Come in here and take a look at the dress this woman is wearing!"

"Can you see her tits?" I yelled back from the kitchen.


"Then I don't need to see it," I answered.



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"Who here watched the Oscars? Of 24 awards, women won only six. What happened? Did the women blow all their lady points on the first female Colonel Sanders this year? I mean, it's a milestone, but still." -Stephen Colbert

A Guy walks up to an attractive, young woman in a bar and says, "You remind me of my little toe."

She replies, "What's that supposed to mean? Like I'm small and cute or something?"

He says, "No. It means I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk."

"This is cool. The History Channel's show 'Pawn Stars' is celebrating its 500th episode. To celebrate, the network gave the producers gold watches, which they immediately knew were fake." -Jimmy Fallon

Bob a young journalism graduate from Tennessee had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to Bob and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas. Deep in the woods, Bob came upon a farmer's house and decided this would be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Dick) agreed to answer his questions. Bob asked Farmer Dick what event in his life had made him the happiest? Farmer Dick replied, "One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all had sex with it, we took it back to the farmer that lost it."

"I can't print that," said Bob, the reporter. "Is there another event that made you really happy?"

Farmer Dick thought for a minute and said, "Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin' young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us had sex with her, we took her back to her daddy."

Again Bob knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Dick, "Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?"

Farmer Dick hung his head and replied, "Well, I got lost once."

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