Monday, March 5, 2018

Good morning crew,

The wife wanted to watch the Academy Awards last night. I told her, "Hon, I don't think I can handle three hours of political jokes and social activism speeches."

But she had the remote, so we started watching the awards.

The instant, the very instant she changed the channel to the Oscars the first words we heard out of the mouth of the host, Kimmy Jimmel, or whoever that guy is, the guy from The Man Show, it was a political joke.

"I told ya!" I told her.

"Okay, okay," she said, "we don't have to watch whatever this award is. I don't care about Best Penmanship in an Original Script. We can switch it for a few minutes and come back for the next award."

So we watched something actually entertaining for five or six minutes, Forged in Fire, and when a commercial break came on she switched it back to the Oscars.

There he was again, this time peeling off a forced joke about sexual harassment.

I got up and said, "I'm going to go watch YouTube."

I had read somewhere last week that the powers that be at the Academy Awards had instructed that the politics and social justice stuff was supposed to be toned down this year. Apparently nobody listened.

This morning I saw that the ratings for last night's show were down a whopping 18 percent from last year. I guess there are only so many of those kind of jokes people can stomach.

Ah well, at least the administration got theirs, right?

Oh, and in case you didn't see it, that fish movie won best picture. Not since 1954's 'Creature from the Black Lagoon' has there been so much sexual tension between a woman and a mackerel.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Researchers at the University of Vermont determined that the world's happiest language is Spanish. German finished fourth, which I find hard to believe. In German, even 'I love you' sounds like a threat." -Jimmy Kimmel

***
"Anheuser-Busch has announced it will begin selling a new organic beer called 'Michelob Ultra Pure Gold.' As in, 'Sorry, all we have left is Michelob Ultra Pure Gold.'" -Seth Meyers

***
"A new study found that a growing number of parents regret the name they gave their baby. They actually have a name for those parents: 'celebrities.'" -Jimmy Fallon

***
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes."




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
In the office where I work, there is a constant battle between our technical-support director and customer-service personnel over the room temperature, which is usually too low.

The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his position, announced one afternoon, "We need to keep the temperature below seventy-five degrees or the computers will overheat."

Thinking that this was just another excuse, one of my shivering colleagues retorted, "Yeah right. So how did they keep the computers from overheating before there was air conditioning?"