Subscribe to CLEAN LAFFS
Subscibe to DEAL OF THE DAY

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Good morning crew,

Having been involved in the martial arts and self defense for a long time, I have been presented many times with a question like the one in the last joke below; "What would you do if...?"

My usual response of a kick to the groin is almost universally criticized as sloppy or lazy, or at the very least met with regret.

My second most usual response, a gouge in the eye, is also very unpopular.

Self defense very infrequently looks like a kung fu movie.

I remember demonstrating a technique for escaping from a bear hug from behind to one low belt who was unimpressed with my solution to the problem.

So he said, "Okay, so what would you do if..." and he proceeded to plant his feet wide, squat down and grab me around the waist, picking me up completely off the floor.

He had cleverly neutralized my escape technique by putting his groin about 10 inches from my heel.

I don't think I have to tell you how that little episode worked out for him. On the plus side, at least I didn't gouge him in the eyeball.

Laugh it up,


P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives

"Department store Neiman Marcus is selling a Dolce & Gabbana toaster for $600. Or, for the same results, just buy a regular toaster and put $600 in it." -Seth Meyers


"Starbucks has unveiled a new rewards system. Previously, you needed only 12 rewards 'Stars' to get a free drink; you now need 125. This has made Starbucks customers very angry. I mean, this is all so frustrating. If only there was some way for people to make their own coffee, at home." -James Corden


"Hasbro announced they are making a new version of Monopoly to appeal to a younger generation. That means it won't come with any cash, so you'll have to borrow some from your parents' Monopoly set." -Jimmy Fallon


A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?"

The student replied, "BIG ones."