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Friday, February 23, 2018

Good morning crew,

Finally, a nice, quiet, boring, cheap weekend coming up.

Who knows? I might even see my wife.

Laugh it up,


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"In technology news, the organization that oversees emoji's has changed the lobster emoji after people in Maine complained that it didn't have the correct number of legs! When they heard about this, lobsters were like "Thanks for fixing the emoji but while you're at it, can you stop boiling us?'" -James Corden


"A new study found that our happiness peaks in our late 80s. Mainly because all the people who annoyed you are dead by then." -Jimmy Fallon


"A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway." -Jimmy Kimmel


The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand.

"And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn't you feel any qualms? Didn't you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?"

"Yes," she answered. "Come to think of it...there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him."

"And, when was that?"

"When he asked for the second cup."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

My children have never been thrilled about taking naps, but one day they were putting up more of a fuss than usual. In the middle of the tantrums, a friend called.

"What's all the commotion over there?" she asked.

"Oh, nothing," I said. "Just the siesta resistance."