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Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Good morning crew,

As people get older their lifestyles change. Things that are important in your late twenties and early thirties become more like fanciful suggestions in your 40s.

This is how my lifestyle has evolved over the last 15 years:


I need to stay sober Monday through Thursday.

I need to stay sober at least Monday and Tuesday.

Only lite beer on Monday.

I'm going to put in a good 90 minutes at the gym.

45 minutes of light weights and aerobic training is a good, well-rounded workout.

Hey, I did 20 minutes on the treadmill last week.

I need to eat vegan at least three days a week and no fast food.

Pork, it's the other white meat.

Can I have extra pickles on my cheeseburger? I need the roughage.


At this rate I'll probably be dead at 55.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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Anybody who says their wedding or the birth of their child was the best day of their life has clearly never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

***

My friend keeps telling me, "Cheer up, man. It could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." And I know he means well, but...

***

I hope when I die it's early in the morning, so I don't go to work that day for no reason.

***

A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."

The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"

The first woman asked, "Did it help?"

Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

Some of my friends started a company built around an innovative idea for an online business. A debate broke out about what to name the venture. "We have to call it Imagination," one passionate participant cried out.

Everyone thought the idea over for a minute, and then a voice of reason replied, "Are you sure you want your business card to read 'Imagination, Limited'?"