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Friday, February 16, 2018

Good morning crew,

Tonight is tax time for the wife and me. I don't think it's going to be pretty. The first few years we were married I never bothered to tell the federal government about the arrangement, consequently we were getting some nice little refund checks around March. It wasn't a fortune (if you're getting a big tax refund then your letting the government keep too much of your money) but it was nice to get a thousand or so back. Kind of like a little bonus.

But last year everything started to go up. My property tax increased, state withholdings increased (I should really get out of Illinois), health insurance increased, and pretty soon there wasn't enough cash left over for beer and instant lottery tickets. So, I had to change my W4 to claim the wife.

My paycheck went up, but I think I screwed myself out of my entire tax refund. And that would be the best case scenario. I was just doing a little eighth grade guerrilla math and we might actually owe the government a few hundred.

I may need a couple of stiff drinks tonight, and the irony is, if I do I won't be able to afford them.

Laugh it up,


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"Valentine's Day was yesterday. So, if I look like I didn't get much sleep, it's because the couch was really uncomfortable." -Seth Meyers


"According to a new study, children who are spanked are twice as likely as those that aren't spanked to get into fights and destroy things which is probably why they get spanked in the first place." -Jimmy Kimmel


"The former president of Trader Joe's is opening a store that sells only expired food. The new store will be known as 7-Eleven." -Conan O'Brien


Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.

Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.

This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television...and later to the remote control.

[From Dave Barry.]

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

Two friends are discussing the possibility of love.

"I thought I was in love three times," one friend says.

"How so?" his friend asks.

"Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me."

"And that wasn't love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was obsession. Then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."

"Was that love?"

"No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere we met on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."

"Was that love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was seasickness."