Thursday, February 15, 2018
Greetings Laff Lovers,
I have a fun little 3-day weekend planned for myself. I am driving down to U of I with Lewis to watch some wrestling. I wrestled in both high school and college and I still enjoy watching it.
Lewis just likes to get the fuck out of his house every now and then.
We're leaving later this afternoon, so when he saw me this morning he said, "All ready to spend two days watching sweaty, post-pubescent boys rolling around in unitards with each other?"
"Do you have to say it like that?" I asked. "It is an exhibition of skill, strength, commitment, determination and sportsmanship. You make it sound like barely legal gay porno."
"Hey!" he responded. "If your latent homosexuality interprets what I said like that, that's on you. Don't project your insecurities on me."
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"The USDA has approved the first genetically modified apples that don't turn brown after being sliced open. The no-browning apples are being called groundbreaking, revolutionary, and slightly racist." -Conan O'Brien
I went over to my best friends house yesterday. I knew he was out of town but I jusr walked in the backdoor like I always do, grabbed a beer out of the fridge and went in the livingroom. I got the shock of my life. There was my best friends wife on her knees while some stranger was drilling her from behind.
I was so mad.
I mean I thought that she was the one woman who would never cheat on me.
"A woman was arrested after she admitted to purchasing gasoline, driving to her ex-boyfriend's house, and using it to set his new girlfriend's car on fire. She's now facing five years in prison and up to three Country Music Awards." -Seth Meyers
Two hunters were relaxing in their lodge, making small talk.
One of them asked, "So, what do you hunt?"
"Unicorns," came the surprising answer.
Startled, the first hunter gasped, "Really? How do the hell do you do that?"
"Well, I find a virgin and hire her to help me. They're the only thing that attracts unicorns. I have her wait in the woods until a unicorn comes up to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."
The first hunter sighed, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of 'em, but I've never seen one."
The second hunter said, "Yeah, and there ain't many unicorns either."