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MOUTHPIECE - January 16, 2018

Good Afternoon,


I've never had the misfortune of having to deal with a lawyer, but I hope that when the times comes that I do get the full lawyer experience I don't have one that shows any of the following 'Signs That You Might Need A New Lawyer' which you can check out below in the 'Bits N Bobs' section of this edition of Mouthpiece that I typed out with my own two fingers.

(I have ten fingers, but I only type with two of them. Guess which two!)

Mouthing Off,
Carl


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[m] q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y

"I hate music, especially when it's played."
--Jimmy Durante

"We need a president who's fluent in at least one language."
--Buck Henry

"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
--Johnny Carson



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[m] b i t s . n . b o b s

*-- Signs That You Might Need A New Lawyer --*

* Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniel's to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

* He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

* Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"

* Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

* The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."

* Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."

* He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

* Giggles hysterically at the mere mention of the Penal Code.

* Constantly raising objections to the "vibes" he's getting from the jury.

* Every time the judge sustains one of his objections, he screams, "Yahtzee!"

* Offers to waive his usual fees in exchange for your panties.

* You met him in prison.

* He tells you that his last good case was Scotch.

* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

***

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