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Thursday, January 11, 2018

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Apparently the Golden Globe Awards were held last weekend. It's kind of like the Academy Awards, but held by a bunch of foreigners. I didn't see it, because I'm not gay, but apparently the big story was the 'black dress' protest. Dozens of actresses, and several men, dressed in all black as a statement of protest against all of the sexual harassment that's been going on in Hollywood. So I was just curious enough to look up some images.

And speaking of globes; there were plenty of them bursting out at the show. Most of the gowns (that I saw) were so low-cut and revealing that I could actually see a little nipple peeking through some of them.

Personally, I found it a little hypocritical. It's like saying, 'I'm against sexual harassment, but look at my tits!' Where is the modesty?

I'm going to come right out and say that I'm a big fan of both low-cut dresses and women's nipples. But if you are going to say, 'My body is sacred. I have the right to be respected and treated with dignity' but then decide to dress like a two-bit whore (even if it is in a $10,000 designer dress), then we slobs gotta get a little break.

Like that poor dick who ran up behind the topless American woman at that Australian music festival with bare, glitter-covered tits, and got a quick squeeze. That woman chased him down and punched him repeatedly in the head. I mean, who's at fault?

I guess that depends on how hot her tits were. Nature will find a way, after all. I'm thinking it was probably worth it.



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"Last night at the Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas, there was a party that featured robot strippers. They said the annoying thing about robot strippers is when you give them a dollar, you have to make sure it's not crinkled and facing the right way." -Jimmy Fallon

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with the suffix "tor" that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."

"Very good James, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator.."

"Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well, my mother has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

"Two major Apple investors wrote an open letter to the company pressuring it to study the addictive effects of iPhones and iPads on children. This seems a little bit late; addressing this problem now is like your drug dealer telling you, 'Hey, man, be careful with that. It's not good for you. I'll see you Monday.'" -James Corden

An Australian drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile under his arm. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons and says, 'I'll make you all a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval. So the man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. But sure enough, after a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. After polishing off several pints the man stood up again and made another offer, 'I'll pay $100 to anyone who's willing to give this little stunt a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly Spoke up, 'I'll try it, but you have to promise not to hit me so hard with that bottle!'