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Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Good morning crew,

Toward the end of last year the wife got a crazy idea in her head. For a New Year's resolution she wanted to give up drinking alcohol for two whole weeks. 14 days; dry as a bone. And even crazier, she wanted me to do it with her.

Her argument was that it would be healthy. Kind of like a 'cleanse' or a 'detox'. But I suspect she secretly thinks I'm a functional alcoholic and she wants to see if I can go two weeks without taking a drink.

These suspicions are completely irrational, of course. Lots of people pour beer over their breakfast cereal. But she was insistent, so more to put this little controversy to bed than for any health benefits, I agreed.

It's not as hard for me as she thinks it will be. Despite the impression you might get from reading Clean Laffs I do not drink alcohol every day. Plus, I can do anything for two weeks. I could stand on my head for two weeks if I really wanted to. So this should be a breeze.

We started on January second, because not even the wife was willing to stay completely sober on New Year's Day, so today makes day 9. Last night she saw me popping a couple of aspirin and asked me if I was experiencing any side effects from going cold turkey.

"Healthy as a horse," I told her.

Of course, I have gotten a few headaches, but that's to be expected. A little cotton-mouth. Maybe some very mild nausea, a few hand tremors in the mornings, dyspepsia, heartburn, hallucinations, dizziness, slurred speech, blurred vision, insomnia, anxiety, paranoia, and a touch of color blindness.

So basically hardly any change in my physical constitution at all.

Laugh it up,


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"The stars gathered in Los Angeles for the Golden Globes. Oprah Winfrey delivered a speech so powerful that all day long people have been asking if Oprah will run for president--which at this point, wouldn't president be a demotion for Oprah?" -Jimmy Kimmil


"A new study shows that monkeys can look at photos and recognize other monkeys they know. However, the study also shows that monkeys are terrible with names." -Conan O'Brien


"A man in London just took Uber's one-billionth ride, and to celebrate, Uber gave him a year's worth of free rides. The man says he's excited to spend the entire year drunk." -Jimmy Fallon


A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter "R" and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it.

To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: "Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare." In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud.

The boy nervously eyed his classmates - many of them already laughing at him - then replied, "Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

Physics 101

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: 1 Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League