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Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Good morning crew,

You probably didn't notice, but I took most of last week off. I had the vacation days and I had to use them before the end of the year.

And, as luck would have it, I was sick the entire week.

It started on my first day off, too. The night before I was teaching my last class at the taekwondo school and I had a little girl who was just sneezing and coughing and drooling all over herself. I remember thinking to myself, 'Why isn't this poor kid at home in bed?'

That's when she sneezed right into my face.

When I woke up the next morning I was already congested, and it went downhill from there. What a bad time to be sick. I had a party to go to almost every day.

What I SHOULD have done was just resign myself to my bad luck and stay home wrapped up in a blanket with a pot of hot tea, honey and brandy. But what I did was load up on over-the-counter drugs and go to every event.

What can I say, it's really hard for me to turn my back on a party.

The routine was; get up around 9 and force myself to have a cup of coffee with a fried egg on toast, not that I could taste it, but just to get some calories into my system.

By 1 or 2 I would finally get myself cleaned up and dressed, take some drugs, and the wife and I would head out to wherever we were going that evening.

When we got to the party I would have a sociable drink or two which would react with the cold medicine I was taking and in an hour I would be sitting in a chair, quietly grinning to myself in a mild stupor while snot ran down my nose. Then the wife would take me home.

It was quite a week.

And the worst part was, the poor wife got it too. She held out for a few days, but by the Tuesday or Wednesday after Christmas her immune system finally gave in too.

That didn't stop us from going on New Year's Eve, but I wish it had.

I'll tell you about that story later.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"My New Year's resolution this year was to get a gym membership, use it twice, and then never use it again. I'm already halfway there." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"A seventh grade teacher in California was arrested for teaching while drunk. Which is why an entire Earth Science class now thinks hurricanes are formed when rum collides with lime juice, passion fruit, and crushed ice in a hot pink souvenir cup from Senor Frog's." -Jimmy Fallon

***

"New research came out that reveals that being attractive in high school leads to success later in life. So finally some good news for hot, popular teenagers." -Conan O'Brien

***

Rushing to get to the movies, my husband and I told the kids we had to leave "right now"at which point our teenage daughter headed for the bathroom to apply makeup. Her dad yelled for her to get in the car immediately, and headed for the garage grumbling.

On the way to the multiplex my husband glanced in the rearview mirror and caught our teen applying lipstick and blush, which produced the predictable lecture. "Look at your mom," he said. "She didn't put on any makeup just to go sit in a dark movie theater."

From the back I heard, "Yeah, but Mom doesn't need makeup."

My heart swelling with the compliment, I turned back to thank this sweet, wonderful daughter of mine just as she continued, "Nobody looks at her."




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They are appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

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