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Thursday, December 28, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I was walking to the restroom in the hallway and was accosted by a middle-aged woman sitting at a folding table wearing a Santa hat.

"Whatcha peddling?" I asked.

"You don't remember me?" she replied.

I looked at her hard and said, "Nope."

"I was here six months ago taking blood donations," she said as she held up the 'PLEASE DONATE' sign as if to say, 'you're fucking stupid,'.

"Oh yeah. I donated."

"Yeah, thanks," she said sarcastically. "You also told me to look you up when I needed a semen donation."

I laughed. "Take off the Santa hat." She did and I said, "Sure, now I remember you!"

"Yeah, well, in today's climate I can bring charges against you and drag your name through the mud."

At that moment Satan was walking by, "His name has so much mud on it you can't even read it."



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"Somebody actually did a study that found that because of his hard-drinking lifestyle, the character James Bond would live to be only 56 years old. When men heard that they were like, 'Yeah, I'd take that deal.'" -Jimmy Fallon

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti homini" - Blessed be mankind.

A women's rights group approached the pope the next day. They noticed that the pope had blessed all of mankind, but not womankind. So the next day, after his sermon, the pope concluded by saying, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini" - Blessed be mankind and womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the pope. They said that they noticed that he had blessed mankind and womankind, and asked if he could also bless those who are gay.

The pope said, "Sure."

The next day, the pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti homeni, et tuti femini, et tuti fruiti."

A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: "Occupation?"

The German replies: "No, just a holiday."

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate.

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex; Nope, no more booze for me; Sorry, but you're not really my type; Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? Oh, I just couldn't-- no one wants to hear me sing!