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Friday, December 29, 2017

Good morning crew,

You may or may not remember me mentioning about how the wife won a nice, little jackpot on a slot machine at one of our local bars a couple months ago.

Since she has the tiniest little bit of an impulse control problem, I was afraid she might be tempted to gamble the whole thing right back. So I made her make me a promise. She wouldn't gamble any more for the rest of the year. Not a dollar in a slot machine. Not a single instant scratchy ticket at the gas station. She couldn't even flip quarters in the parking lot (not that she's ever done that).

But in order to extract this monumental promise from her I had to make a concession. I told her that on New Year's Eve we could drive over the border and go to an actual casino. That's something we haven't done in a couple years at least.

So the other night we were talking about this upcoming orgy of spending and the wife boasted that she has set aside almost $400 just for that night.

I told her, "You know, we could stay home and you could maybe pay a bill with that money, or something."

She laughed at me.

"But what if I came home with $800?" she countered.

It's hard to argue with that logic. So it looks like we're going. If there are any exciting stories I'll tell you about them next year.

But if the wife happens to hit one of those million dollar progressive jackpots, I won't be back next year.

Laugh it up,


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"Today, the stock market hit an all-time high. Which is great news, because if there's one thing we've learned over the past decade it's that if Wall Street executives are doing well, regular Americans are doing well. " -James Corden


"Two Connecticut residents stole over $1,000 worth of candles from the Yankee Candle Village. The suspects are being described as white." -Conan O'Brien


"Starbucks is planning to open Italian bakeries in New York City and Chicago that will serve pizza. Good, because if there's anywhere you can't get a good slice of pizza, it's NEW YORK CITY and CHICAGO." -Jimmy Fallon


An inveterate horseplayer paused before taking his place at the betting windows, and offered up a fervent prayer to his Maker.

"Dear Lord," he murmured, "I know you don't approve of my gambling, but just this once, Lord, just this once, please let me at least break even. I need the money so badly!"

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"