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Thursday, December 21, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

My wife said to me the other day, "Boy, you're getting old! Look at all your wrinkles!"

I said, "They aren't wrinkles, they're laugh lines!"

She looked at me deadpanned, "Nothing is that funny."



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"George Washington had fifty-five children with slaves, so he was also the illegitimate father of the country. We should take him off the dollar and put him on food stamps." --The Mooney Twins

While purchasing some condoms, the young man remarked with a smile, "I'm giving my girl a birthday present tonight."

"Yes, sir," smiled the drug clerk. Then he added, forcing a straight face, "Would you perhaps like these gift-wrapped?"

"That wouldn't make much sense," said the customer. "They are the gift wrapping."

"I went to my nephew's birthday party and they had a pinata of that Shrek donkey. And I know what would be awesome is to take down that pinata, take out all that disgusting candy, and go to the store and instead by real chicken hearts and intestines, put it in there so that when that kids hits it and all that shit falls out of it I get to run up to him and yell, 'What did you do?!'" -Christina Pazsitsky

When my wife came home yesterday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but eat chips and watch TV all afternoon.

She shook her finger at me, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do!"

"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this."