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Thursday, December 14, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I was talking with an acquaintance just now who happens to be a lawyer. Turns out his father was a lawyer, his grandfather was a lawyer, they've been a family of lawyers for generations.

This got me thinking of the historical identity of my family. Were we doctors? No. Were we writers? No. What we are, and have always been, is entrepreneurs. All the way back to before the Civil War ancestors of mine have been trying to sell somebody something.

I'd like to tell you that I am the seed of some Rockefeller-like mogul, but I'm not. I am the seed of old Great Granny Z, who out of necessity, opened the family's first house of ill repute.

It wasn't just any old brothel, Great Granny Z had class and became the first entrepreneur in the family to distinguish herself as head and shoulders above her peers. She had a credo, and her credo was handed down to the successive generations of entrepreneurs in the family. All sons and daughters who've ever picked up the merchant torch have accepted her credo as their legacy and birthright.

When my great ancestors died, their progeny were not consumed with wills and estates, rather they tried to impart on their young the timeless credo that helped build that wealth.

What was Great Granny Z's whorehouse credo, you ask?

The customer always cums first.



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Why is it when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a slut?

But when a guy does it, he's all of a sudden gay?

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Stanley ."

The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Stanley."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Stanley had two ass-holes."

"What! He had two ass-holes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, There's Stanley with them two ass-holes."

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid, she bought an air conditioner."

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothing, my wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new-fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wives put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no dick."