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Monday, December 18, 2017

Good morning crew,

Last week our Human Resources manager came up to me and said, "Joe, are you planning to take the rest of your vacation days? Because you know if you don't use them by the end of the year you lose them."

"Right," I told her, "it's actually been kind of a busy year for me. How many days to I have left to use? Two? Three?"

"Six," she said.

So somehow I have to figure out how to take every other one of the next twelve days off, starting with today (I'm writing this last week from your perspective). I'm so bad at planning this kind of thing.

If Clean Laffs seems a little confusing over the next couple weeks... now you know why.

Laugh it up,


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"It is officially one week until Christmas. That means if you're a guy, you have six days until you have to start shopping." -Conan O'Brien


"Ninety-nine percent of the eggnog purchased all year is purchased during the week before Christmas. And 99 percent of that eggnog is poured down the drain during the week after Christmas." -Jimmy Kimmel


"We are just one week away from Christmas. Which means today is that special day when husbands tell their wives, 'I give up. Just tell me what you want.'" -Jimmy Fallon



Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want you to DO work for THEM.

That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during the lunch hour. That way, you're regarded as hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.

The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

Since I had been selling water beds for almost four years, I thought I had heard every question imaginable. But then a customer asked me, "Can you deliver it filled with water?"

Stunned, I replied, "Are you kidding? It would weigh over twelve hundred pounds!"

After a short pause, she said, "Could you do it if I helped you carry it in?"