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Monday, December 11, 2017

Good morning crew,

It has been a busy weekend of partying, tree shopping, decorating, and generally exhausting my holiday spirit.

Too much human warmth and good cheer always make me anxious.

Laugh it up,


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"The birthrate in the United States is at an all-time low. Whereas our death rate is still holding strong at 100 percent." -Jimmy Kimmel


"Amazon is now making it possible to create a shopping profile for your cat. Yeah, all you have to do is go to Amazon and type in 'I am single.'" -Conan O'Brien


"A new study found that bacon and freshly baked bread are Americans' favorite smells. Yeah, this morning instead of putting on cologne, I just rubbed my neck with a B.L.T." -Jimmy Fallon


Many people hold down two jobs these days, so I wasn't surprised when my hairdresser mentioned to me that he also worked part-time at the race track. "That's interesting," I said. "What do you do?"

As he finished styling my hair, he replied, "I groom horses."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

"Do you remember first meeting your wife?"

"Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life and I'd never allow her near the gutter again."

"Wow, what an incredible story! I hope she appreciates what you did for her."

"Not really. Even though she stunk at it, Jill hated to give up bowling."