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Sunday, December 10, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I read a disturbing story. It seems certain hotels, namely the Venetian resort, hotel and casino in Las Vegas, has started using facial recognition technology to tailor suggestions for restaurants, clubs and entertainment to passersby.

You walk past a camera and it scans your face to instantly profile you as a man or woman, your likely age and probably even your ethnicity. The computer it is attached to then tailors an advertisement for you which is displayed on a near-by screen.

If this sounds familiar that's because it comes straight out of that Tom Cruise disappointment Minority Report.

This is just the first step, of course. How many people have pictures of themselves on Facebook or Twitter 'tagged' with their real name?

What happens when these technologies get together on the Internet?

I can picture myself walking through the mall with my wife and kids when a camera scans my face, matches it with a picture of myself on my Facebook profile and instantly knows about all of my Internet activity.

"Hello TZ!" chimes a pleasant voice from a kiosk equipped with large, flat screen displays. "If you're interested in barely legal, Asian hermaphrodites make sure to check out Big Al's Adult Book and Video six blocks west of the mall. And Walgreens has a sale right now on self-warming sex lube."



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"A Florida man went to court for the right to marry his laptop computer. He said his laptop is just like a wife because whenever he brings it into bed, it freezes." -Conan O'Brien

A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor.

The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."

The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."

"The Austrian government announced that they will be tearing down the house where Adolf Hitler was born. But the government said they won't leave the lot vacant, which means 'the house where Hitler was born' might soon be 'the pilates studio where Hitler was born.'" -James Corden

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'


'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.