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Thursday, December 7, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Now that we're well into December I have been waiting for my holiday spirit to kick in. While typically I am a Scrooge and a sourpuss, I usually get the holiday bug sooner or later.

But it hasn't happened yet. Probably because I'm still waiting for my monthly blowjob. It used to be weekly, but my wife is a little moodier than she used to be.

I'm telling you, if Mini Z doesn't feel some tonsils soon I'm going to be forced to do something I really don't want to do. Like buy jewelry.



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"A man in Oregon walked away with minor injuries after he fell asleep in a dumpster and ended up in a trash compacter. It raises a lot of questions, and the answer to all of them is tequila." -Jimmy Fallon

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is having friends.

At age 16 success is having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is having sex.

At age 35 success is having money.

At age 50 success is having money.

At age 60 success is having sex.

At age 70 success is having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is having friends.

At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not.

"He's going to be okay, but a Montana man was attacked by a bear twice in the same day. Afterwards, the man said, 'That's it, no more Tinder for me.'" -Conan O'Brien

An old man was sitting on a train across from a young blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realised she wasn't wearing any panties!

She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

"No. NO! Err, well, yes. I guess I was. I'm sorry," he said.

"It's quite all right," she replied, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow you a kiss." And with a little twitch of her hips, sure enough, the vagina blew him a kiss.

The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.

"I can also make it wink," she replied.

The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.

"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat.

He moved over, and putting her soft lips to the old man's ear she asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, he asked, "You're kidding' me, you mean you can really make it whistle, too?"

It's tough getting old.