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Monday, December 4, 2017

Good morning crew,

Yesterday morning I got up and like I frequently do on Sunday mornings I started some laundry. A little later the wife got up, we had our coffee and discussed how we were going to spend our day.

Since the wife was having brunch with her mother I suggested that we do our grocery shopping early and get it out of the way so she wouldn't feel rushed in the afternoon.

With that detail hammered down we got cleaned up and dressed, but as we were ready to walk out the door the wife paused and asked, "Do you have some laundry in the dryer?"

"Yes, I do," I answered.

"Aren't you going to turn it off before we leave?"

"No, I'm not."

"Do you know how many fires are started by an unattended dryers?"

"Yes, I do," I answered.

"How many?"

"A lot," I said. "But I just cleaned the lint tray, and the cycle is almost over, it's already on 'cool down', let's just go alright already!"

But giving me an exasperated sigh she stomped down the stairs to the laundry room and turned the dryer off herself.

Well, at least she's thinking responsibly, I thought to myself, I can hardly criticize her for that.

Fast forward to about 3:30 in the afternoon. We had bought a pot roast for our dinner and I had it bubbling away merrily on the stove top when the wife returned from her three-hour 'brunch' with her mother.

After getting caught up on current affairs I told her, "It's already kind of late. You better walk the dog before it starts to get dark out."

"You haven’t walked her yet?"

"Nope, I've been busy cooking and cleaning and napping."

"I have an idea!" she perked up, "Why don't you come with us? We'll have a family walk."

"Because I'm cooking. I can't leave the stove burning and go wandering around the neighborhood for 45 minutes."

"Sure you can!" she said, maybe a little overly optimistically.

"Hang on a second. Weren't you the one who told me just this morning that I couldn't leave the dryer running by itself for five minutes, but it's okay to walk away from a burning stove?"

"It'll be fine," she assured me.

I gave her a glare, "This wouldn't be the three glasses of wine you had a brunch talking, would it?"

"No," she said. "I barely had two and a half."

Somehow she convinced me to go around the block with her and the dog. On the plus side, we didn't burn the house down, but I still don't understand how her safely priorities add up.

Laugh it up,


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"Pope Francis visited a Buddhist country and made some controversial remarks. The worst was when the Pope saw a statue of Buddha and said, 'At least, MY God has abs.'" -Conan O'Brien


"Uber signed a deal with NASA on Wednesday to develop 'Uber Elevate,' a new type of Uber that will use flying cars. They're developing a flying Uber. And you thought you vomited in the backseat of Ubers before." -James Corden


"After facing backlash from customers, Subway says it will remove a chemical in its bread that is also found in yoga mats. Some people were like, 'You mean I've been eating a dangerous chemical?' While most people were like, 'You mean I can eat my yoga mat?'" -Jimmy Fallon


Two friends are discussing the possibility of love.

"I thought I was in love three times," one friend says.

"How so?" his friend asks.

"Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me."

"And that wasn't love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was obsession. Then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."

"Was that love?"

"No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere we met on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."

"Was that love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was seasickness."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

During World War II Richard Wynn, on flight duty with the 8th Air Force Division in Europe was shot down and captured by the Germans. After a year as prisoner of war, he escaped and made his way back to his bomber group in England. One of his first acts there was to hunt up the corporal on duty in the parachute building.

"Corporal," he said, "a year ago I had occasion to use one of the parachutes that your men had packed and I want you to know how delighted I was to find it in perfect working order. I give you my deepest compliments and appreciation."

"You know, Lieutenant, funny thing," the corporal replied. "In this work we never get any complaints."