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Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Good morning crew,

I'm no stranger to the working end of a kitchen oven, but it's been, oh, ten or twelve years since I've made a turkey. The wife has never prepared one. So hosting her family at our house for Thanksgiving presented a few challenges, but ones I thought were well within our ability to meet.

As I mentioned last week, the wife went out and pre-ordered an organic, farm-raised turkey for about a million dollars. We were expecting about 7 people, give or take a couple, so I assumed she ordered a 14 or maybe even 16 pound bird. But when we went to pick it up Wednesday night I was a little surprised to see the butcher staggering under the weight of something that looked like a banker's box, or maybe a small steamer trunk.

"What in the hell is in there?" I asked.

"That's the turkey," the wife answered.

"How big of a bird did you order?"

She shrugged her shoulders at me, "20 pounds."

"Well, you better hope an extra dozen people show up," I said, "or somebody has a 20-foot tape worm."

But she paid for it, so I didn't complain.

After another hundred bucks worth of grocery shopping we finally got home with the turkey and a dozen bags worth of fixin's and trimmin's.

The big question was what to do with that monstrous Frankenbird. Considering how expensive the thing was we wanted to keep it simple and not risk ruining the main course.

Operating under my direction (this whole thing was her idea anyway), the wife unwrapped the ostrich and give it a bath in the kitchen sink. It was quite a sight seeing her wrestle with the thing.

At first she was tried to touch the cold, clammy skin as little as possible, but with a 20 pound bird that's all wet and slippery she was soon up to her elbows in raw turkey juice. And every time she got splashed I made helpful comments like, "Oh, now you have salmonella."

After it was rinsed and relieved of its giblets, and the wife disinfected herself with a half bottle of rubbing alcohol, we prepared a simple brine of sea salt, rosemary, sage, thyme, and apple cider in 2 gallons of water.

With the bird cleaned and tucked away in a cooler to brine over night we were free to clean and transform the house into party mode.

By the time everything was prepared and ready to go for the next day it was midnight. We had both put in 6 hours, and we hadn't even started the hard part.

Laugh it up,


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"For the first time ever, more than half of all senior citizens in the U.S. are using the Internet. Yeah, I read that when my grandma sent the entire story to me in the subject line of an email." -Jimmy Fallon


"A teenager in Arkansas was arrested after he was caught driving without a license on his way to the DMV to take a driving test, tried to flee, and crashed into a police car. On the plus side, it sounds like he was probably going to fail anyway." -Seth Meyers


"Today two men dressed as Batman and Captain America tried to rob someone at a gas station. They're being charged with attempted robbery and mixing Marvel with DC." -Conan O'Brien


While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

Signs of the times

"We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."