Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Good morning crew,

Well, we finally did it. The wife and I stuck our necks out once too often and now we got caught hosting our first Thanksgiving supper. The primary guests will be the wife's parents, so she's stressing about it a little more than I am. She wants to make a good impression. I feel like I will have done my part if I stay sober through the appetizers.

But the wife went out and ordered an organic, farm-raised, antibiotic free, free range, heritage turkey that was fed whole grains and told nurturing, supportive things all its life. In addition she plans to make all of the traditional Thanksgiving turkey dinner sides; like oyster stuffing, candied yams, creamed spinach, frozen corn and dehydrated mashed potatoes in a box.

She's never made most of these things before, but like I said, she wants to make a good impression. If anything it'll be fun to watch. So, I have to be up tomorrow morning at 5 a.m. to help her wash and massage the bird, shuck oysters, thaw the corn, and make other preparations.

I hope you have a wonderful holiday and I'll fill you in on any adventures next week.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"The good people at Butterball have been running a toll-free hotline for turkey-cooking tips since 1981. Every year the turkey talk line receives more than 100,000 phone calls, but sadly, they have not once been able to save a turkey's life." -Stephen Colbert

***
"For the first time in 32 years, Butterball is adding male staffers to their Thanksgiving turkey talk line, the phone number you can call if you are having trouble cooking your turkey. One of the guys just yells questions to his wife in the other room." -Jimmy Kimmel

***
"Butterball, the countrys largest turkey producer, says it has a shortage of large Thanksgiving turkeys this year. Some experts say it's because of a greater demand than usual, while others say it means the turkeys are on to us." -Jimmy Fallon

***
I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

"You'll get $24," said the clerk.

"This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check.

"I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a finance book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course."




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.