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Friday, November 10, 2017

Good morning crew,

I have a date tonight. The wife offered to take me out to dinner. Anyplace I want (her words).

Apparently she had completely ignored my explicit instructions to stay the hell away from the slot machines and sacrificed part of her paycheck on the alter of chance.

But she actually won a nice little chunk and now I think she's trying to assuage her guilt over gambling by buying me off with an expensive meal.

Well, if it makes her feel better, I guess.

Laugh it up,


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"The Winter Olympics are just 100 days away! That means you have just 100 days to pretend you understand curling." -Jimmy Fallon


"There's an event company that specializes in fake weddings. The idea is that many young people don't want to get married but they do want a wedding, so the company puts on a fake ceremony and a fake reception. I can't imagine writing 'Will attend' on an RSVP for a fake wedding. There are already weddings for people who don't want to get married - they're called weddings." -Jimmy Kimmel


"Over the weekend a woman gave birth in a Barnes & Noble bookstore. Out of habit the parents briefly looked over the newborn baby and then went home and bought a cheaper baby on Amazon." -Conan O'Brien


My husband and I decided to take our two children, then ages seven and three, to our favorite "adult" restaurant for the first time. The younger child refused to stay in her seat and danced around our table. Her sister, tears rolling down her face, laughed loudly at the three-year-old's antics and pounded the table.

Beet-red with embarrassment, my husband warned them through clenched teeth, "If you don't start behaving, you'll never eat out with us again!"

The man at the next table leaned over to his wife. "Look dear," he said. "Quality time!"

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

[This is an old, old one, but still one of my favorites...]

A fifth generation farmer has determined that his son will be the first in their family to go to college. So he and his wife save every penny for years and when the big day comes for junior to leave for school, the old man is the proudest he's ever been.

After the first semester junior comes home for Christmas break and the old man sits him down for a talk. "Well, boy, you been at school for three months now, I want you to tell me some of that fancy book learnin'."

So junior says, "My favorite class is math, pa. Just last week we learned a new formula...Pi r squared."

At hearing this the old man screws up his eyes and smacks his forehead, "Dog gone-it! I spent all that money on schooling and all you can tell me is Pi r squared? Why everybody knows pie are round...CORNBREAD are squared!"