Thursday, November 9, 2017
Greetings Laff Lovers,
The other day a friend of mine was telling me about how his father-in-law had died and how his wife was really busted up about it.
"I'm trying to be as supportive as I can, TZ," he said, "but the old man died almost a month ago and she is still depressed about it."
"Well, sometimes these kinds of things take time. Let her grieve for crying out loud."
"I've got no problem with grieving, but like I said, it's been almost a month and, and..."
"Oh, I understand," I interrupted. "You want to know how long before you can climb back into the old saddle."
"Yeah, that's it."
"There is no definitive answer," I said. "Could be weeks, or it could be months. My suggestion is learn how to fuck your wife while she's crying.
"Take it from me, you get used to it pretty quick."
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"Saudi Arabia has been named to the United Nations' Commission on Women's Rights. In a related story, Ireland has been named to the UN Commission on Sobriety and Tanning." -Conan O'Brien
Cop: You were swerving a bit so I'm going to have to conduct a field sobriety test.
Cop: Let's go to Taco Bell.
Drive: Ummm, no thanks.
Cop: You know, now might be a really good time to text your ex.
Drive: No way!
Cop: Ok. You're free to go.
"Residents of a town in Missouri this week are complaining about the creation of a 'bondage club' that operates next door to a church. The town filed a restraining order, but that just got them more excited." -Seth Meyers
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"