Subscribe to CLEAN LAFFS
Subscibe to DEAL OF THE DAY

Friday, November 3, 2017

Good morning crew,

The wife is going to be out of town this weekend for a wedding, but displaying her usual forethought and consideration she left me with a list of chores to do lest I grow bored with drinking beer, eating take-out food, watching TV and playing computer games.

Let's see here...

Item 1. Clean the garage.

Oh, Lord.

Laugh it up,


P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives

"Astronomers say they now know the approximate weight of the Milky Way. They found this out by adding 20 pounds to the Milky Way's weight on its Tinder profile." -Conan O'Brien


"A man in Georgia was arrested for stealing a Krispy Kreme doughnut truck and leading police on a high-speed chase. The police charged him with one count of grand theft irony." -Jimmy Fallon


"A survey by the national retail foundation said that some people even give their fish Valentine's Day gifts. A good way to tell that you've lost your mind is if you give your fish a Valentine's Day gift." --Jimmy Kimmel


There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"

To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so i have to keep half of them flying at all times."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description beyond a "blue, four-door sedan."

"It's the one on fire," he replied.