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Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Good morning crew,

I offended the wife. Again. Last weekend she and her friends had a 'crafting' party. They are all a bunch of oenophiles (that's winos to you and me) and by common agreement they have been saving wine bottle corks for the last year or two with the goal of using them for some kind of arts and crafts project. And last weekend they all decided they had enough corks to finally pull something off.

I was in bed by the time she got home Saturday night, but when we got up Sunday morning she presented me with her objet d'art and asked, "What do you think?"

"Wow," I said. "Impressive. Really unique. Eye-catching."

I squinted at it from a couple of angles and turned it into the light.

"What is it?"

"What do you mean 'what is it'?" she barked. "Isn't it obvious?"

"Yeah, of course. It's, ummm, a pot-holder."

"It's not a pot-holder, you idiot, it's a pumpkin decoration! You know, for fall?"

"Oh, yeah, a pumpkin! Now I see it. But, uhhh, you know it's purple."

"It's artistic."

"Sure it is," I agreed. "And as an added bonus, if you lay it flat, like this, you could set a hot pot on it!"

I don't think she appreciated my suggestion.

Laugh it up,


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"A new study finds that parents DO actually have a favorite child. The survey also finds if you have to ask - it ain't you." -Jimmy Fallon


"A man who ordered a television off of Amazon was shocked because Amazon instead sent him a rifle. Which means somewhere a hunter is trying to kill a deer by making it watch 'Real Housewives.'" -Conan O'Brien


"I've been trying to say 'I love you' more often, starting this morning. I said it to my family before I left the house. And then to my barista. And then to her manager, when the barista complained that one of the customers was making her uncomfortable." -Stephen Colbert


Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argument.

"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.

"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.

They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.

"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us."

The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"

"That's right," he called back, "two pints."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

It was time for the final and the student depending upon getting at least one right answer on the chemistry test.

The question was "If H2O if water, what is H2O4?"

This was a quick question for most, but it took the student some thinking time.

Finally, he wrote down his answer: For drinking, washing, and cleaning.

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