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Thursday, October 12, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I have a pretty good relationship with my wife, but even after all these years she still doesn't quite understand me. For example; last weekend we were out shopping and I saw a gorgeous young thing (well, maybe 25 or 30, but young to me) just pouring out of a tight, v-neck sweater. So I let slip a little "woof" under my breath. Involuntarily, but my wife still heard it.

Instead of smacking me in the back of the head or calling me a pervert or threatening to super glue my penis to my belly while I'm asleep, she just rolled her eyes and told me to, "keep it in my pants." Which is pretty understanding for a woman.

But then later that very same night the both of us were watching television when some horrible harpy came on the screen. Yellow, crooked teeth, blotchy skin and quivering jowls, her rusty hinge voice in full cry about some pointless issue or other. And once again an involuntarily "woof" escaped my lips.

My wife immediately turned on me and said, "Please don't tell me you think that woman is attractive!"

"Quite the contrary, my dulcet Darling." I quoth. "The mere sight of her is sending my balls retreating."

"Then why did you say 'woof' like you did at the poor, innocent high school girl you saw this afternoon?"

"Those are two, completely different woofs," I explained. "The first is a 'woof' of appreciation. Like I am a hungry wolf who has just caught scent of a delicious piece of prime beef. The second is the kind of 'woof' you would bark at a real dog."

"And just how are they different?" she asked.

So I demonstrated one 'woof' for her and then the other.

"They sound exactly the same to me," she said.

I told her, "That's because you're listening like a woman."



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"A Sri Lankan man has been arrested for trying to smuggle $29,000 worth of gold and jewelry inside his rectum. His lawyer says he'll walk, but his doctor's not so sure." -Seth Meyers

A man says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for something kinky tonight, how about I blow my load in your ear?"

The wife hastily replies, "That's gross! What if I go deaf?"

To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?"

"A man from Italy just set a Guinness World Record by putting on 13 pairs of underwear in 30 seconds. On the downside, he's now banned from Victoria's Secret." -Jimmy Fallon

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was immediately attracted to him. During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and got down on the ground. "Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her, and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."