Monday, October 9, 2017

Good morning crew,

I tried to find some good Columbus Day jokes for you but there aren't any. Good ones, I mean. I found plenty of crappy ones. For example:

Q. Where did Columbus first land in America? A. On his feet!

And they go downhill from there.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Google just released a pair of headphones that can translate 40 languages instantly. They say it's a great way to travel to a new country and find out everyone's making fun of you." -Jimmy Fallon

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"According to a new report, Nigeria owes New York City over $500,000 in unpaid parking tickets for its foreign diplomats. Nigeria apologized and said they'll pay the fines right away if they we send them our bank account number, our PIN, and our mother's maiden name." -Seth Meyers

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"A New York fitness expert has released an exercise book for nuns called, 'Changing Habits: The Sister's Workout.' The Vatican rejected the original title, 'Nuns of Steel.'" --Conan O'Brien

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ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAMS:

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
While waiting in line at a busy airport check-in counter, I noticed a set of rambunctious little boys in front of me. As the line inched along, their mother tried in vain to get them to calm down.

Finally she reached the counter, where the ticket agent asked her, "Have any of the items you plan to take with you on this flight been out of your immediate control since your arrival at the airport?"

The young mother replied honestly, "The luggage, no; the children, yes."