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Thursday, September 28, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I have been writing Laff-a-Day now for about 17 years (God, my life is a disappointment) and there is one thing I have learned for certain (other than I should have stayed in college); and that is there is no such thing as a new joke.

Oh, there is anecdotal humor, that can be new. But even that is mostly based on well-established assumptions and conventions, like; it's impolite to pull your penis out in public, Americans are all fat, lazy and stupid, and Jews are evil. But every single 'new' jokes is just a variation on an ancient theme. But another thing I have learned is that it doesn't matter, because everything eventually comes back around again.

I'll give you an example; recently somebody mentioned something about The Rolling Stones. I don't remember what it was. To tell you the truth, I honestly thought they were all dead. But anyway, somebody mentioned something about The Rolling Stones and this ancient joke popped into my head. I said, "Do you know how I know the Stones are an English band and not Scottish?

"Because if they were Scottish their hit song would have been 'Hey, McLeod, Get Off Of My Ewe'."

Now that joke is only a couple days older than The Rolling Stones themselves, but this person nearly burst a kidney laughing at it and told me he had never heard the joke before.

That's why, when readers complain that the jokes in Laff-a-Day are old, I just reply, 'Stick around for a while, eventually you'll get to like them again.'



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Have you ever had sex so good you had to stop and think, 'Fuck it, one kid won't hurt.'

No, but I masturbated so good once when I woke up in the morning my dick was cooking breakfast.

These two guys go to a whorehouse.

The first guy goes in then comes out and says, "My wife is better."

The second guy goes in then comes out and says, "You know what? Your wife IS better."

"The hardest part of developing a gravitational theory is dodging all the panties that get thrown at me by thirsty-ass science bitches." -Isaac Newton

Sometime during the life of nearly every man there will come a time when the discussion comes around guts and balls. We've all heard at one time or another that some guy has "balls" or "guts". While some may view those terms as one-in-the-same, there is a very clear medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls". But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed should the subject surface in the future, here are the definitions:

GUTS is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the GUTS to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the BALLS to say, "You're next, Chubby!"

I hope this clears up any confusion regarding the definitions. Medically, speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

They're both fatal.