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Thursday, September 14, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I finally figured out what my problem is. I have Lyme disease. It's an infection that comes from the bite of a tiny deer tick, and while I really don't spend much time hiking, or camping, or bushwhacking, or getting familiar with deer, or any other kind of wildlife for that matter, Lyme disease can lie dormant in the human body for years before erupting. So who knows when in the last five or ten years I might have been a light snack for some passing deer tick?

All I know is that when I read the list of symptoms it was like reading my personal diary.

The symptoms include, but are not limited to; headaches (check), fatigue (check), fever (check), chills (check), shortness of breath (check), dizziness (check), shooting pains in the extremities (check), cardiac irregularities (check), facial paralysis (sometimes), muscle spasms (check), severe mental impairment (check), loss of control of body functions (check), and finally chronic depression (double-check).

Yeah, it's not exactly a party, but at least now I have a name to give it. And all this time I thought it was just being married.



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"Professional children's clowns are upset that the Stephen King movie, 'It,' makes them look like murderers. That's true. And professional murderers are upset that it makes them look like children's clowns." -Conan O'Brien

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper.

He looked up and said, "Here is a great sale on tires!"

His wife replied, "What do you want tires for? You don't have a car."

He came back with, "I don't complain when you go out and buy a new bra, do I?!"

"A New York plastic surgeon has announced that he is creating 'vacation breasts,' which are implants that would last two to three weeks. That's amazing, isn't it? Who gets a three-week vacation?" -Seth Meyers

Today marks the 35th anniversary of the death of Sir Douglas Bader and I couldn't let it pass without this story about the Royal Air Force hero. He was giving a talk at an upmarket girl's school about his time as a pilot in the Second World War. "So there were two of the f***ers behind me, three f***ers to my right, and another f***er on the left," he told the audience.

The headmistress went pale and interjected: "Ladies, I would just like to interrupt to point out that the Fokker was a German aircraft."

Sir Douglas replied, "That is true, madam, but these f***ers were in Messerschmitts."