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Friday, August 18, 2017

Good morning crew,

It looks like the multi-state power ball jackpot is up to an estimated 535 million smackers, so of course the office started a pool to buy tickets.

Now, I might have gotten a C in college algebra, but I know enough math to know that I have a greater chance of being struck twice by lightning on a sunny day than winning that lottery.

But while my left brain knows it is a waste of money, I can't help imagining what it would be like if, by some miracle, the office pool actually won and I was one of the 2 or 3 suckers in the entire office who didn't play.

Imagine almost everyone you know having the biggest party of the year...of the decade...and you're not invited. Everyone would be planning how to spend their millions and I would be planning how to make next month's mortgage payment.

And on top of everyone being a millionaire except me, I would also be out of a job. There are about 30 people in this office and so far 25 of them are in the office pool. If five-sixths of the company up and quit next week, I'm not sure how long we would stay in business.

So for a lousy ten bucks I can alleviate all of that paranoia, even though it is so unlikely as to be an impossibility. It's sort of like buying alien abduction insurance.

I guess in that way, playing the lottery at this point is more of a mental illness than anything else.

Well, I guess it's better than psychopathy or Munchausen's syndrome or something.

Laugh it up,


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"A new study has found that being good-looking can hurt a man's career because the people in charge of hiring see attractive men as a threat. So if you're a man who was recently hired for a new job, congratulations. You're hideous." -James Corden


"Experts in Israel are trying to re-create a wine used in the time of Jesus. Apparently, all they need is some water and Jesus." -Conan O'Brien


"Costco has to pay Tiffany's $19 million for selling 2,500 fake Tiffany rings. Husbands don't know what's worse, having to tell their wife her ring ISN'T from Tiffany, or that it IS from Costco. 'I've got bad news and worse news...'" -Jimmy Fallon


A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a sharp, three-piece tunic. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said the first one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first woman.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise King did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the King's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

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