Friday, August 4, 2017

Good morning crew,

While some other parts of the country are experiencing near record heat, here in the Chicagoland area we are experiencing a near record chill. It is a brisk and breezy 59 degrees F outside right now, which is 25 degrees cooler than the normal average for this area in August.

Fortunately tomorrow is going to be a mild and sunny 79 degrees, because this weekend is the annual food fest in the town right next door to us.

There are some pretty good restaurants in that town too, so I am looking forward to some delicious smoked beef brisket sliders, BBQ ribs, candied bacon, baked clams, and other treats you don't normally find at your local street fest.

Plus, not one, but two local micro breweries will be present! And those are all the ingredients you need for a great day.

I'll fill you in on any fun details next week.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"A five-year-old girl who ran a lemonade stand in London was fined $195 for not having the proper trading permit. See, this is why I make my kids open their lemonade stands offshore on the Cayman Islands." -James Corden

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"According to Vanity Fair, the Queen of England has four alcoholic beverages every day, including a glass of champagne before bed. Champagne before bed? Who does she think she is, herself?" -Seth Meyers

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"A new study finds that George Clooney has the most handsome face because of his eyes, nose, chin, and mouth. In other words, he has the most handsome face because of his face." -Jimmy Fallon

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Favorite Police Emergency Calls:

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Hi, is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn....
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A Swiss guy in New York is looking for directions, so he pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."