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Monday, July 24, 2017

Good morning crew,

Last year as a Christmas present the wife bought her two teenaged nephews coupons to go indoor skydiving.

If you've never heard of this it is an interesting idea. Basically it is a big, vertical wind tunnel. There is a clear, acrylic tube maybe 15 feet in diameter, and at the bottom, well protected by screen and vents, are huge fans which produce a wind current equivalent to what a person would feel jumping out of a plane.

A 'flyer' (as they like to call their clients) steps out onto a wire trampoline suspended over the vents which allows a free flow of air. Then a technician in a little adjacent booth turns a knob to crank up the airspeed. When the critical speed is reached - up you float! Or, more realistically, tumble like socks in a dryer. That is why there is always an instructor inside the tube to keep 'flyers' from smashing their heads against the acrylic and giving themselves concussions.

For one reason or another they weren't able to use their vouchers until this weekend, and the wife was very excited to finally get some plans hammered down. Now, she had coupons for four people; herself, her two nephews, and one more victim to be named.

When she brought the idea up to me last week I was a little hesitant. I had seen videos of people doing this indoor skydiving bit and it really didn't look like my kind of thing. I have jumped out of a plane before, I didn't see the need to simulate the experience ten feet off the ground. Plus, it is on the other side of the city and to me it seemed like a pretty cheap thrill to invest three hours of driving for.

But she had an entire week to work on me. Didn't I want to try something new, she asked? Didn't I want to spend time with my nephews? Didn't I want to spend time with her?

But as I kept explaining to her, that laundry in the basement isn't going to wash itself.

Finally she resorted to bribery, "You know what's right next door to the skydiving place?"

"An emergency room?"

"Nope. The Hofbrauhaus."

"Are you sure?" I asked suspiciously. "I never noticed any skydiving place there before."

"That's because you weren't looking for it," she explained. "But it's there."

So, I capitulated. I mean, what kind of husband would refuse to spend the day with his wife? Or would turn his nose up at 2 or 3 liters of classic Bavarian lager and a 12-ounce schnitzel?

Plus, the wife offered to drive. And a good thing, too. The drive out there was even more brutal than anticipated. What with picking up her nephews and then driving to the north side in mid-day traffic, the trip took over two hours.

Of course, when we got there the skydiving place was running almost an hour behind schedule. So we got to spend some time in the viewing area watching people being bounced around inside the wind tunnel like peripatetic fish in a bowl.

What amazed me was that each 'flight' only lasted 60 seconds. You have to go through a 15-minute training session, then get fitted for a grubby 'flight suit' that some slob had probably just been sweating in, along with a helmet and goggles, then you sit in a line with your flight group until your turn finally comes, and then--60 seconds.

After sitting around and watching this routine for a while they finally called our time slot to go into the training session.

As we got up I told the wife, "You know, I don't think I'm going to go in."

"What? What do you mean?"

"Well, I've seen it, and I'm not interested in getting bounced around in there for 60 seconds."

She started to get that look on her face like she wanted to hit me. "Why didn't you tell me you weren't going to do it? I could have found somebody else to come."

"I did!" I exclaimed. "About a half dozen times."

"Yeah," she answered, "but I didn't think you were serious."

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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A new report says 60 percent of teenagers don't have even a basic knowledge of finances. Although in fairness, I'm 38 and I just found out this year that a 401(k) is NOT a type of marathon." -Jimmy Fallon

***

"Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk claims he has gotten verbal approval to connect New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Washington with a high-speed train that runs in an airless tube. While the New York City subway just introduced brand-new rotary phones." -Seth Meyers

***

"A new study from the University of Sussex found that horses can recognize human emotions based on our facial expressions. Yet another reason you should never play poker with a horse -- and they never pitch in for the pizza." -Stephen Colbert

***

Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.

"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."

"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it."

"Simple... If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down on my veranda for a few hours and relax.

In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad, fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon boating or playing golf or tennis...

When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with a nice bottle of wine. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again."

The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She asked, "What's his wife's name?"

Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."

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