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Monday, July 10, 2017

Good morning crew,

So something happened to me this weekend that has never happened before. The wife and I went to the movies and when we got to the ticket counter I pulled out one of my ancient jokes that I use over and over again in the same old situations.

When I'm playing cards I always say, 'This isn't a hand, it's a foot' when I look at my deal.

Whenever I get a cup of coffee I always tell whoever is standing there, 'I like my coffee like I like my women, sweet and creamy' (or some such variation).

If anybody asks me what I'd like to drink I'll say, 'I'm in the mood for something different. Let me have a beer.'

It's just part of my personality that people who know me have to put up with.

So the wife and I were buying our tickets and I told the teenager behind the counter, "I'd like two tickets for the 1:30 show, one adult and one child."

It's a gag I have used a thousand times on a thousand dates and not once has a ticket agent ever taken me seriously, until yesterday.

With the barest glance at my 3#-year-old wife he said, 12 dollars for an adult, 9.50 for a child, that'll be 21.50."

I made a side-long glance at the wife who just shrugged her shoulders at me, so I paid him, took the tickets and walked away.

As we were walking into the theater the wife said, "He must have thought you have a little kid wandering around the building somewhere."

"Probably not," I told her. "I've always said you look a lot like a thirteen-year-old."

Laugh it up,


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"A rare fish normally found only in the Amazon was caught yesterday in a New Jersey pond. Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the same way as everyone else: by giving up." -Seth Meyers


"Facebook has just added a new tool for finding help during disasters. Unfortunately, then Facebook shows you photos of your friends having a much better time during their disasters." -Conan O'Brien


"A new study found that most people cant go 10 minutes without lying. But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe." -Jimmy Fallon


A wife asked her husband, "Honey, could you please run to the store and get a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."

A while later the husband returned with a case of quart milk cartons.

Staring incredulously at the 12-pack case of milk, his wife asked, "Why the hell did you buy so much milk?"

Her husband said, "They had eggs."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment.

One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."

There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

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