Monday, June 19, 2017

Good morning crew,

Driving back from our second winery in Pennsylvania I thought we were finally done with stops and safely on our way to the expressway and home when the wife, who was driving, let out an ear-piercing scream and slammed on the brakes.

Tires squealing, my clavicle straining against the seatbelt, she dragged the steering wheel over and skidded into a parking lot in a shower of gravel.

"What the hell?!" I gasped.

She just looked at me with wide eyes and said, "Windmills!"

With the keen eye of a fanatic she had espied an Amish furniture store on the side of the road with a couple of hand-made, ornamental windmills displayed out front.

"You never know," she continued, "we might get lucky."

Rubbing my neck, I got out of the car and followed her into the place.

They had a pretty unique selection of lawn furniture and kitschy garden art, like miniature outhouses, lighthouses and, of course, windmills.

Some of them were pretty ugly, but the one that caught her eye was a five-foot monstrosity that dominated the front doorway.

"Do you have any that look like this, but are a little smaller?" she asked the salesman.

"Nope," he answered, "but the guy who builds 'em makes a 4-foot model. We don't have any right now, but if you place an order he can have it done in a couple weeks."

"And how much would it cost to ship it to Illinois?"

He scratched his head, "Oh...about a million dollars."

She went back to the monolith and studied it in silence for a couple minutes. "What do you think?" she finally asked me.

"It'll be hard to miss," I told her. "Just be absolutely, 100-and-ten percent sure this is what you want before you..."

"I'll take it," she told the salesmen.

After that it was just the small task of completely emptying the back of her SUV and somehow jigsaw puzzling together the dog kennel, our luggage, the cooler, and a five-foot tall windmill.

We managed it, barely. But I rode the 750 miles back home sharing the arm rest with one of the blades.

And boy, was I right. The thing is hard to miss. But, when it comes to garden art, go big or go home, I always say.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives




"A new study says that children are suffering bad health effects from eating too much pizza. The study was explained in a pie chart which children immediately tried to eat." -Conan O'Brien

***
"A restaurant here in New York is serving a grilled cheese-flavored martini. Or as parents put it, 'Finally, a way to get my kids to finish their martinis.'" -Jimmy Fallon

***
"Scientists said yesterday that the T. rex may have had teeth serrated like a steak knife, which may have helped it eat meat more efficiently. Experts believe the T. rex evolved the knife-like teeth after having so much trouble using regular silverware." -Seth Meyers

***
Now that I am a senior (citizen, that is) I have everything that I ever wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later.

- I don't have to go to school or work.
- I get an allowance every month.
- I have my own pad.
- I don't have a curfew.
- I have a driver's license and my own car.
- I have ID that gets me into bars and the liquor store.
- The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
- And I don't have acne.




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
While watching my grandson's baseball game, I saw a young mother with her toddler on one of those child leashes.

She was talking with another mom about an incident that happened earlier that morning.

Her little Chihuahua was sick, and she had raised people's eyes as she walked into the vet's office with her dog in her arms and her child on a leash.

All I could think was, "What's wrong with this picture!"