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Sunday, June 18, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

It's Father's Day, and on today of all days, I can't help but think about my old man and the things he used to say to me...

Like, "If you end up gay I'll break your legs."

Or, "An indictment is not a conviction."

But the one thing that really stuck with me was, "Remember boy, one night stands maybe over in the morning but syphilis lasts a lifetime."



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"A woman in Muncie, Indiana was arrested after she stabbed her friend in the eye with a fork for taking the last rib at a barbecue. I am strongly against eye-stabbing. That being said, if you're going to stab someone in the eye, this is a reason I can get behind." -James Corden

A seriously depressed, but attractive, woman stands at the edge of a bridge, trying to get up the nerve to jump. A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman says, "Hell no! Get away from me you sicko!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

"A new study suggests that marriage is more beneficial for men than women. The results of the study were shouted at me through a locked bedroom door." -Seth Meyers

A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."

"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!" says the mom.

A while later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."

Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.

"Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my boy! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad.

The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."