Thursday, June 15, 2017
Greetings Laff Lovers,
What the hell is it with people? I mean, seriously, I'm starting to lose my patience and I'm afraid you're going read about me in the news some time soon. And it's the stupidest shit, too.
Yesterday I go into the bathroom here at the office, a bathroom which we share with another office on this floor of the building, and what do I find when I walk up to the urinal but a fist-sized wad of wet toilet paper clogging the thing up.
Everyone in the free world over the age of 4 knows that you are not supposed to throw toilet paper in a urinal. And it's not like the toilet paper is right next to the urinal where, I don't know, somebody might have used a couple squares to pick his nose or something.
Somebody had to walk around the corner and into a stall to pull out a wad of toilet paper, and then AVOID the toilet to walk all the way back to the urinal to deposit it there.
Why? This is a place of business, not a grammar school. What is the motivation to be such a dick?
Still, I didn't see it happen so I suppose there could be some mysterious explanation, but later that very afternoon I stopped at the health club and witnessed the stupidity in action.
As I was standing in the locker room I watched a young guy walk up to the row of sinks, turn a faucet on, wash his hands, dry them, and then walk away without turning the water off.
I couldn't believe it. At first I thought he must have just forgotten the water was running, because nobody could be so much of a douche, but ten seconds later he returned to the sink so he could lean into the mirror and pluck a nose hair, or something, and with the faucet handle literally right next to his hand he STILL walked away and let it run.
Now as far as I can figure there are only two explanations for this kind of behavior. Either you're retarded or you're an asshole.
I'd like to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume they're retarded. Because then it wouldn't be their fault. You can't help being retarded. But that would also mean there are an awful lot of retards wandering around unsupervised.
The only other explanation is asshole, which is much more likely. Unfortunately that would mean that some time in the near future I may snap and stuff some jerk off's head down a toilet.
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"Two passengers on a flight to Ibiza over the weekend reportedly had sex while in their seats. And nobody was more upset than the guy in the middle." -Seth Meyers
A Greek tourist visits the United States on his first overseas trip. Upon arrival at the Immigration desk, he is visibly puzzled filling out his visa application. The immigration officer looks over the man's shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled "SEX".
The officer explains "No, no, no, that isn't what we mean by this question. We are asking Male or Female."
The tourist answers, "Does it matter?"
"New York lawmakers are going to reintroduce a proposal to legalize marijuana. When asked why they're reintroducing it, they said, "Because we forgot we did it the first time.'" -Jimmy Fallon
A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies standing there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, "Yes, I am." The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife.
The guy says, "Sure, I guess," and gets a photo to show them. The deputy examines the photo, turns and has a whispered conversation with his partner, then turns back to the man.
"I'm very sorry, sir," he says, "but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy replies, "I know, but she gives a great blowjob and she can really cook."