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Sunday, June 4, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

A Laff-a-Day reader sent me a comment recently that I thought was particularly clever, mostly because I have been in a similar situation before.

"Hey TZ, this morning I snuck up behind the wife in the kitchen and asked if she wanted to come back to bed and play Husband & Wife. She said no. So I asked, how about Slut and Pirate? At first I thought she wouldn't be up for that idea either, but she came into the bedroom a few minutes later and looked so cute with that parrot on her shoulder." -Jay



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"Researchers are now using the video game 'Grand Theft Auto' to teach self-driving cars how to drive. That's true. In fact, two Google cars were just arrested for beating up a hooker." -Conan O'Brien

A man is driving his five year old to a friend's house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident.

"Douche-bag!" the father yells.

A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn't make it right, and I don't ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?"

His son looks at him and says, "Too late, douche-bag."

I hate tampon commercials because they create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your shit.