Thursday, June 1, 2017
Greetings Laff Lovers,
Lewis and I were talking the other day and the conversation got around to our fitness routines.
"I've pretty much given up on weight training," said Lewis, "but I still get in at least 10,000 steps every day. Yesterday I did 12,000!"
"That's pretty good," I agreed. "I, uuuh, I jerked off yesterday."
"I don't think jerking off is considered a workout."
"It is at my age," I told him.
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"A man is suing Grindr because over 1,000 men showed up at his place of business demanding sex. Though in fairness, the man does work at 'Al's House of Crullers and Anonymous Gay Sex.'" -Conan O'Brien
When my wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day, she yelled, "You better watch this lazy attitude of yours, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do."
"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this."
"There's a new report that says more than half of American workers didn't use all their vacation days last year. They had them, they just didn't take them. So the people who did the study asked why. Some said they did it to impress their boss with their work ethic. The rest said, I hate my family." -Jimmy Kimmel
Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!"
She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all Honey, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "Uh, no baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped. I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.