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Friday, May 12, 2017

Good morning crew,

Here's a fun fact; my wife graduated from a Catholic high school. I think it was Our Blessed Lady of Plausible Deniability, or something. I don't remember exactly.

The reason I mention it is because we were enjoying a drink together last night and she was telling me about the preparations she is making for a 'girl' party she is hosting at the ol' homestead this weekend (no, I am not being kicked out of the house for this one).

"So I have six bottles of wine," she said, "three good bottles and three of the cheap stuff."

"Using up the cheap stuff on your friends," I commented. "Good thinking."

"I wouldn't put it that way," she answered. "The good stuff is for early in the day. Later at night nobody is going to really care or even notice what they're drinking and I'm not going to spend 30 dollars on a bottle of wine nobody is going to be able to taste."

"That's not what Jesus would do."

She gave me one of those weird looks like I just told her she had a chicken on her head.

"What does Jesus have to do with it?"

"Don't you remember the story about the wedding at Cana when Jesus turned water into scotch?"

"It was wine."

"Right, sorry. Wine?"

"What about it?" she asked.

"What did the guests at the wedding say to the groom after they drank the wine Jesus made?"

She just hates it when I give her these little quizzes.

"I don't know, what?"

"They said that everyone usually serves the good wine first, and then the cheap stuff later, just like you're planning to do, but they complimented the groom for saving the best wine until last."

"No, I don't remember that," she admitted.

"Really? That's one of the most famous Jesus stories."

"I went to a Catholic school," she explained, "we didn't have to read the Bible."

Laugh it up,


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"In Florida, a 10-year-old girl pried herself from the jaws of an 8-foot alligator. Then the little girl remembered she lives in Florida, and climbed back in." -Conan O'Brien


"Hey, I saw that today is National Teacher Day! Unless you're home-schooled. Then it's Mother's Day: Part 1." -Jimmy Fallon


"On this day in 1960, the FDA approved the world's first commercially produced birth control pill. And on this day in 1961, the first couple learned what 99.9 percent effective means." -Seth Meyers


A Swiss guy in New York is looking for directions, so he pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

Little Johnny's mother overheard him reciting his homework: "Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch..."

"Johnny!" shouted his mother. "Watch your language! You're not allowed to use those kinds of words."

"But, Mom," replied the boy, "that's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."

Next day Johnny's mother called the teacher to complain. "Oh, heavens," said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.'"

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