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Sunday, May 14, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I would like to dedicate this Mother's Day issue to a mom I dated during my senior year in college. She was ten years older than me, divorced and had two kids. She taught me things I'll never forget.

To this day I can't hear cartoons playing in the other room without getting an erection.

She also made me a firm believer in, and vocal advocate of, Kegel exercises. I still fantasize about her sometimes, and that thing she used to do with her pinkie finger.

I hope you're healthy and happy Linda, wherever you are.



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Q. What is the definition of Blood, Sweat and Tears?

A. A blonde on her period standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter.

I was in a pub last Saturday night, and after drinking a few I noticed two very robust-looking women at the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them snapped back, saying, "It's Wales, you idiot!"

I immediately apologized. "I'm sorry," I said, "are you two whales from Ireland?"

After both suffering depression for a while, my wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought Fuck it, I'll soldier on!

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build you a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over twenty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"So what is it going to be?" asks the doctor.

The man says, "We're getting new granite counter tops."

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