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Friday, May 5, 2017

Good morning crew,

This chronic rainy weather has had more consequences than just keeping me from getting any work done on my fence or landscaping. Last week the wind blew a big piece of aluminum flashing off the front of my house.

Since it has been raining and blowing practically every single day I have been hesitant to climb to the top of my 20-foot extension ladder with a piece of aluminum siding in one hand and a hammer in another and do a balancing act in the driving sleet.

So there has been a gap in between the soffit and the frame of the roof for the last six days.

The other day the wife emailed me, "I noticed some birds flying in and out of the gap in the siding. We're going to have to do something about that pretty soon or they're going to build a nest in there."

"So what," I replied, "I thought you said you wanted another pet? And think of all the fresh eggs."

Laugh it up,


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"As part of a limited campaign, McDonald's is offering forks made from French fries. Not to be outdone, Long John Silver's began offering seafood made from fish." -Conan O'Brien


"American Airlines recently announced that they plan on cutting leg room in economy class, while United Airlines announced they'll be cutting legs. 'We are coming down with the beverage cart! Get your legs out of the aisle!'" -Seth Meyers


"Apple has announced that it'll be removing the handgun emoji from its smartphones and replacing it with an emoji of a squirt gun. In case you weren't paying attention, there are now more restrictions on gun emojis in the United States than on actual guns." -James Corden


Little Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for his birthday. "A baby brother," he said. Later that year, his mother came home from the hospital with a baby boy.

Little Johnny was delighted. "And what would you like this year for your birthday?" his father asked.

He said, "If it isn't too uncomfortable for mommy, I'd like a pony."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

[Here is a classic that I haven't heard in a month of Sundays (as the saying goes). But the great thing about old jokes is that eventually they become new all over again.]

Two grave diggers are working in a cemetery in Vienna one night, when they hear scuffling coming from one of the graves. At first they are terrified, but morbid curiosity gets the better of them and they unearth the grave. They hear some hushed rubbing and scraping sounds coming from inside the coffin. Hands shaking, they pull off the lid. Inside; they find Beethoven's skeleton, furiously erasing notes off of old scores.

"Wha-," one of the grave diggers is petrified, "What are you doing, Herr Beethoven?"

The ghoulish composer looks up, with empty eyes sockets, and says, "What does it look like? I'm decomposing!"

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