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Sunday, May 7, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

The wife was volunteering at the community center this weekend. So pretty much she was gone from nine in the morning until nine at night both Saturday and Sunday.

That left me in charge of the house and the kids.

Well, "in charge" is a liberal interpretation of the situation. I was chauffeur, cook and referee. After 48 hours they had me worn pretty thin.

It was nothing in particular, just the constant whining, needling and demanding. Without even realizing it I had shifted into a sort of permanent disciplinary mode.

Today my sixteen-year-old asked me something, I don't remember what, something about dinner, and after I answered her I noticed her somewhat shocked and slightly hurt expression.

"What?" I demanded.

"Why are you yelling at me?"

"I'm not yelling!" I shouted. "This is just how dads talk."



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After both suffering depression for a while, my wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought Fuck it, I'll soldier on!

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' you get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally grabbed a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid, she bought an air conditioner."

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothing, my wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new-fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wives put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no dick."

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