Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Good morning crew,

When I saw that the weather is supposed to be clear and sunny this weekend I commented to the wife, "If we really buckle down we can get the fence finished this weekend and get started on the stone again."

"Ummm, yeah, I have a bridal shower to go to Saturday," she said.

"Oh, just like two weekends ago when you conveniently had to work," I said making air quotes, "all afternoon at the clinic while I did most of the sanding and prep work?"

"Yep, just like that," she answered.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"The creators of Fyre Festival, a luxury music festival that left attendees on an island without adequate food, water, shelter, or medical care, are all being sued for $100 million. If you want to attend the trial, tickets start at $5,000." -Conan O'Brien

***
"Taco Bell just announced that it will be adding beer to the menu at certain restaurants in Canada. It's the first time that going to Taco Bell will lead to getting drunk and not the other way around." -James Corden

***
"A man in Oregon walked away with minor injuries after he fell asleep in a dumpster and ended up in a trash compacter. It raises a lot of questions, and the answer to all of them is tequila." -Jimmy Fallon

***
Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls.

"Your wife must love these rolls," he said.

"How do you know these are for my wife?" I asked.

"Because I don't think your mother would send you out in weather like this."




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, hire a car, and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful Country...the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English; they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."