Friday, April 28, 2017

Good morning crew,

I was snuggled up in bed this morning with the covers pulled up under my chin, in that pleasant half slumber that comes right before full wakefulness, when a distant sound intruded itself upon my subconscious.

It was a low, throaty 'brummm-brummm-brummm' that for some reason my mind seemed to attach some importance to.

Two seconds later I was standing naked in the middle of the bedroom floor. The garbage truck!

I stuffed my arms in my bathrobe as I scrambled down the stairs. I was too tired to take the garbage bin out to the curb last night and there was garbage all over the house. Running from bathroom to basement I frantically emptied wastebaskets and collected empty pizza boxes. After all the yard work and fence repairs the wife and I did last weekend the garbage can was full and I could not let it go another week.

I could still hear that rumbling diesel motor coming down the street as I burst through the back door, two garbage bags in hand, and ran barefoot to the back gate.

Was it on this street or the next street? It's so hard to tell where the sound is coming from.

Stuffing the last two bags in the bin and forcing the lid closed I threw the gate open just in time to see that big vehicle rumble past the house.

It was a school bus.

At least my neighbor, who was just leaving her house for work, got a good show. My bathrobe was still open.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"In Philadelphia, police are looking for a man who robbed a Dunkin' Donuts, and was caught on a surveillance camera doing some stretches in the parking lot just beforehand. Police are on the lookout for the only health-conscious person to ever enter a Dunkin' Donuts." -Conan O'Brien

***
"United Airlines is investigating a report that a giant rabbit died on a flight from London to Chicago. He was survived by his wife and 167 children." -Seth Meyers

***
"Chris Christie says that he'd give Trump a 'B' on his first 100 days. Then said he'd give him an 'A' on immigration, and a 'C' on healthcare, and long story short, he ended up just spelling 'bacon.'" -Jimmy Fallon

***
What the Doctor says and what he really means

Doctor: "This should be taken care of right away."

Translation: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

Doctor: "Let me check your medical history."

Translation: I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

Doctor: "We have some good news and some bad news."

Translation: The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

Doctor: "Let me schedule you for some tests."

Translation: I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

Doctor: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."

Translation: I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

Doctor: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."

Translation: I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

Doctor: "I'd like to run some more tests."

Translation: I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve it.




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
"Did you give the prisoner the third degree?" the police captain asked the detective.

"Yeah, we browbeat him pretty good," nodded the other. "Asked him every question and made every threat we could think of."

"And did you get a confession?" asked the sergeant.

"Not exactly," explained the officer. "All he'd say was, 'Yes dear,' and dozed off."