Thursday, April 13, 2017
Greetings Laff Lovers,
What a day; one meeting after another. Usually I am spared this kind of bullshit, but nominally I am the company's operations manager (that means I am the asshole in charge of buying paper towels and complaining to the landlord when the toilet clogs up) so when tax time rolls around I have to let the pencil pushers stick a microscope up my ass.
Finalizing our taxes required a decision on whether to follow the advice of our whip-smart downtown Jewish law firm, or that of our south-side neighborhood Polish accountants who might not be the most meticulous (or all that good at math) but who always seem to come up with a number we like.
But nobody listens to my advice. I suggested a long time ago that we should have found some Polish Jews.
Hmmm, decisions decisions.
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"Nearly 1 million adults in the U.S. are in a same-sex marriage. That's compared to the nearly 40 million adults in a no-sex marriage." -Conan O'Brien
Two resident doctors were involved in a fight in the hospital. A senior consultant had to pull them apart. "What's all this about?" asked the consultant angrily.
"It's the tax auditor in C ward," said one. "He's only got 2 days to live."
"He had to be told." said the second doctor.
"I know," said the first, "but I wanted to be the one to tell him!"
"An Oklahoma woman was arrested for attempting to have her kids blow into her car's breathalyzer so that she could drive drunk. Even worse, her kids failed." -Seth Meyers
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no. That will never work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that still won't get by. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "Let's say I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 1,000 cocks last year."