Wednesday, April 12, 2017
Good morning crew,
Last night the wife asked me, "Can you do me a favor?"
"Anything my dulcet darling, my dew-kissed rose, my juicy little tenderloin."
"Can you not invite anybody over this weekend?" she implored.
"What do you mean?"
"We finally have a free weekend and whenever we have a free weekend you tend to start inviting people over for a cook out, or to drink beer, or to cook out and drink beer, or to go out and drink beer.
"Can we just relax for once? Spend a little time together? We could walk the dog, make a nice, quiet dinner for ourselves. Maybe we could rent a movie or build a fire in the back yard and snuggle."
"We could," I said. "Or... we could finally get started on our big landscaping project! If we got started early on Saturday and put in an 8 hour day I bet we could really put a dent in it."
"Yeah," she sighed enthusiastically, "We probably could."
"You know," I continued, "We could get the entire back fence repaired AND restained in one day if we inticed a couple people over to help with a barbecue and a cooler full of beer."
Laugh it up,
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"A package of salad mix that was sold in a Florida Walmart was found to contain a dead bat. This is shocking news - someone shopping at Walmart bought a salad." -Conan O'Brien
"According to a new report, Amazon is now worth twice as much as Walmart. In response, Walmart announced that they're planning to open a second checkout lane." -Seth Meyers
"There is a new trend in U.K. corporate policy where employees are being given paid time off so that they can acclimate a new pet to their home. They're calling it 'pawternity' leave. Paid time off for pets should not be a thing. Here is how that discussion should go: 'Excuse me, boss, I want to get a new dog, but I need a week off to bond with the animal.' And your boss goes, 'Oh, OK, cool. You're fired.'" -James Corden
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," one buddy told another.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"
"But what if my wife finds out?"
"Heck, this is a new age we live in. Go ahead and tell her about it!"
So the guy went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that so many times and it never worked."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, "Me and Janie next door are gonna get married!"
"Oh?" says the mother, amused. "And how old is Janie?"
"Six," replies the boy.
"Well," says the father, "what are you going to do for money?"
"I get 5 dollars a week allowance," says the son, "and Janie gets 2. We figured that if we put them together, we'll be okay."
"I see," says the father. "But what are you going to do if you have any children?"
"Well," says the boy, "so far we've been lucky."