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Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

What is the best thing for a person who is shy, or socially awkward, or emotionally unavailable? Is it forced exposure to the situations that make them uncomfortable so that eventually they can tolerate those situations and function in them in a beneficial way?

Or is it to give them a substitute that can simulate the human contact and emotional connection that will allow them exclude relationships from their lives all together?

Introducing "Real" sex dolls, now with customizable personality traits.

According to RealDoll CEO Matt McCullen the new Harmony 2.0 sex dolls can be customized with 18 different personality traits such as intellectual, shy, thrill-seeking and sexual.

The dolls have human like memory, and the customizable personalities can evolve. When the owner of the doll is hungry, the doll could be asked to recommend something to eat. Harmony will then search its memory and recommend to its owner their favorite foods. With time, the doll learns to fall in love with its owner and becomes like a friend.

McCullen said that the dolls will help lonely people who are unable to find love in the real world. And of course, Harmony comes with fully functioning head, mouth, eyes, and all the other important feminine attributes.

But who is going to constantly use up all the toilet paper and force you watch The Notebook?

And what about the women? Ladies; would you want a vibrating dildo that tells you emotionally supportive things after you've pulled it out? Sounds creepy when you put it that way, doesn't it?


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*-- Every Woman Should Have a Talented Tongue --*

A circus entertainer set a world record on an Italian game show by stopping the blades of a fan with her tongue. Australian daredevil performer Zoe Ellis, known by her stage name Zoe L'Amore, appeared on Italy's Lo Show dei Record to break her own Guinness World record for most electric fan blades stopped using the tongue in one minute. Ellis held two 35W fans running at the highest speed and managed to top her previous record of 20 by sticking her tongue to stop the blades on each fan 16 times for a new record total of 32. Her record was later surpassed by Ashrita Furman, who used her tongue to stop the blades 35 times, after the show was recorded. Ellis' household still holds multiple world records however, as she maintains the record for "Most mouse traps released on the tongue in one minute (female)" and her husband Chayne Hultgren, a.k.a. "The Space Cowboy," holds records for "Most blow torches extinguished with the tongue in one minute," "Most swords swallowed underwater and Heaviest weight pulled by the eye sockets."


*------------- Drunk Lives Matter -------------*

A Pennsylvania man wearing a T-shirt that says "Drunk Lives Matter" was charged with DUI by Newville police. 44-year-old Elwood R Gutshall, wearing a green St. Patrick's Day T-shirt, was charged March 19 with DUI after police said he committed several traffic violations. His blood alcohol level was found to be 0.217 percent. He was charged with the highest level of DUI, driving under suspension and traffic violations.

*-------------- READER COMMENTS --------------*

Please remind commenter R.S. that a woman's menstrual period is the one time every month that she actually DOES act like a man. -J.C.
[Really? I have never seen a man start crying while watching an insurance commercial on TV. Maybe he needs a Harmony 2.0 doll?]

On the subject if duct tape, it seems that it's a lot like the force. I mean, it has a light side, a dark side, and it binds the universe together. -Chris

*----------- END OF READER COMMENTS ----------*

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