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Monday, April 3, 2017

Good morning crew,

The wedding reception Friday night went off pretty much as expected. As far as wedding receptions go there was nothing really unusual; the bride looked stunning, the groom looked exhausted and truth-be-told, a little scared, my wife, the bride's maid, looked ravishing in a $100 hairdo and a $180 prom dress.

There were the usual speeches and toasts followed by a pretty good meal of fried chicken and roast beef.

By the time dinner was over and the DJ started cranking the music up I was at the end of a 13 hour day and already losing some steam. One of the problems with a Friday night wedding.

But, feeling it incumbent upon me as a guest and husband I did make the effort to walk my wife and her mother (who was also a guest) around the dance floor once or twice.

An effort my wife found totally unsatisfactory. She kept dragging back onto the dance floor, and as with functions like this, the music kept getting more poppy and upbeat as the night wore on.

I'm not much of a dancer under the best of circumstances, and after 3 or 4 songs I had already run through my repertoire of skills twice. But while I don't know dancing, I do know kicking. So with my inhibitions dulled by a few digestifs I was soon performing taekwondo kicking drills in the middle of the dance floor. The wife, inspired by my performance, followed suit, and for a few dangerous seconds we had a little sparring match going on in the middle of a crowd of couples performing the cha-cha and the slide.

It was after I narrowly avoided kicking the matron of honor in the kidneys with a stray roundhouse kick that I decided to wrap things up. I figured it was probably better to quit while I was ahead.

The wife was a little disappointed but, I didn't want to get beaten up by a gang of drunk, pissed off groomsmen on the dance floor of the 'Champagne' room.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"The FDA is warning New Yorkers about Chinese food after a major Brooklyn distributor was found with rats and birds nesting in boxes of ingredients. The distributor says it's all a misunderstanding - those ARE the ingredients." -Seth Meyers

***

"The Wall Street Journal reported that America has a surplus of cheese and that every person in the country would have to eat an extra three pounds of cheese this year to get rid of it. So the next time the pizza guy judges you for ordering extra cheese, just say, 'I'm doing this for America.'" -Jimmy Fallon

***

"The electronics company LG identified a new phenomenon called low-battery anxiety. People become nervous, distracted, and frustrated when their phones are about to die. If you are not familiar with low-battery anxiety, it's a real condition that primarily affects people with no actual problems." -James Corden

***

One evening after dinner, a five-year-old son noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked, "Where did mommy go?"

His father told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"

The man had always given my son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.

Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Butt clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

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