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Friday, March 31, 2017

Good morning crew,

The wife is attending a wedding tonight. She's in the wedding party actually, and I am contractually obligated to be her date.

I shouldn't write it like that. Truth be told I love wedding receptions. Everybody's on their best behavior, the food is usually pretty good, and it's hard not to have a good time with an open bar.

The only problem is I started incubating a bit of a cold last night, which means in order to be functional (that is; breathe) I'll need to take some cold medication later today.

The combination of over-the-counter drugs and an open bar should prove entertaining if nothing else.

It's been about 20 years since I've been kicked out of a wedding.

Oh, and before anybody asks, I am not going to explain the joke in today's Roll Your Eyes.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"A new study reports that older women are doing more and more binge drinking. I asked my mom if that was true and she said, 'I love you, man.'" -Conan O'Brien

***

"A 16-year-old boy in Bosnia broke a world record this week by smashing 111 concrete blocks with his head in 34 seconds. Get an Xbox! You don't have to do that. When asked how it felt to break the world record, the boy said, 'Lampshade tricycle is my favorite flavor of pizza truck.'" -James Corden

***

"Arby's is facing multiple lawsuits currently, after a data breach exposed the credit card information of over 350,000 customers. The data breach could reveal potentially embarrassing information, like the fact that they ate at Arby's." -Seth Meyers

***

The 5 toughest questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, tons.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is always: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette!")




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

Two Scotsmen, brothers, Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim's big wedding day.

"Aye, it's going to be grand," said Jim. "I've got everything organized already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night."

Finlay smiled and nodded, approvingly.

"Heavens, I've even got a new kilt to be married in," continued Jim with a look of satisfaction.

"A kilt, that's grand! You'll look smart in that," exclaimed Finlay, "and what's the tartan?"

"Och," uttered Jim, "I imagine she'll be in white."

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